Better Than One

I wonder how you're doing with Ecclesiastes and its relentless barrage of reality. I've been loving it, but even after spending so much time with Ecclesiastes in recent years and then in sermon preparation, sometimes it still jars me. It's like a bucket of cold water right after waking up. You need it, but you might not always enjoy it.

And I'll admit that I'm glad for the fact that, at various points throughout the book of Ecclesiastes, we get a bit of a break from the cold water. At various points, Qoheleth steps back from telling us how vain everything is to give us some wisdom on how to live well in this vain and temporary life we each live.

We got a bit of that last week, when we heard some of Qoheleth's advice for living well in an unpredictable world—that we should be obedient, be generous, and get to work.

That theme of practical advice for living well under the sun continues into today's message and into the following two weeks. Today, we're going to consider some of Qoheleth's wisdom for relationships. Next week, it will be about politics. And then the third week will be a collection of wise advice on how to use our words and our ears and so on.

Then, there will be two final sermons and we'll be done with the series—11 weeks in total.

So, today it's about relationships. There's been little bits about relationships throughout the whole book, but today we look at three key passages that give instructions or comments that have to do with relationships.

A. Companionship (4:9-12)

The first is the passage that we just read in chapter 4, which has to do with companionship. This is one of the better-known passages in Ecclesiastes.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12).

I'm sure many of us have heard these words read at a wedding at some point. But while these words may have application to marriage, these words can apply to almost any other relationship between two people. That's because this passage is mainly not about marriage but about companionship.

We know that just by looking at those verses we just read and noticing that they describe two men working, surviving, and fighting alongside one another.

We know that from verse 10. “For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). Both the one who lifts and the one who falls are referred to as "he," which the ESV correctly translates from the Hebrew.

So this is a passage about how, when you're trying to get along well under the sun, it's so much better to not try it alone. It's so much better to work alongside others.

That's how this section is introduced: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

We've heard from Qoheleth time and again how we are consigned to toil under the sun, and our toil is often an unhappy business. Any chance we have to get a good reward for our toil is worth it. And one of the best ways, according to this passage, is not to go it alone. Two, together, have a better chance of getting a good reward for their toil.

And Qoheleth gives us three reasons why.

1. Help

First, like we've already seen, two are better than one because if one falls when he's working alone, he's doomed. "Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" But when working together, one can help the other up.

This is not theory to some of you. You know from experience what it's like to be hurt or injured when you're working alone, and how dangerous that can be. These days we can check in with people with our cell phones, which is why having no cell service scares us—because then, we feel truly alone in the way that this passage describes.

Still, there's nothing like a person right there with you to help you when you've fallen. It can mean the difference between life and death, like Qoheleth suggests. Two are better than one because the one can help the fallen.

2. Warmth

Second, two are better than one because they can provide warmth for one another, as verse 11 says. Perhaps this is the part that makes us assume this is a marriage verse because it describes two people sharing a sleeping space.

But we know this is not a marriage passage because then it would say, "If two lie together, one will steal all the blankets and leave the other shivering with nothing at 3 a.m."

And I'd love to know how many elbows were secretly poked around this room just now. But seriously, the context of the passage still points to a work or a combat situation, because at home people would have blankets to keep them warm. When soldiers are out on a combat mission, and it gets cold at night, they stay warm by sleeping close to one another.

In a survival situation, you're supposed to snuggle up so that your waste body heat can be shared and help others stay warm. Two people can literally help keep each other alive when the temperatures get really low. Two are better than one.

3. Strength

The third situation described here is combat. Verse 12: “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Going up against someone in hand-to-hand combat is nerve-wracking. All it takes is one guy who is a little faster or a little stronger than you and you are taken out. But if there are two of you? Two of you stand a way better chance of victory—and, as the verse finishes up, three is even better.

This is why movie scenes which show a guy without any protective equipment single-handedly fighting off a whole group of enemies who stand around and patiently wait their turn to step up and be cut down are so ridiculous. Real life doesn't work that way. There is strength in numbers, and two or three are way better than one.

Below the Surface

So, what's the point of these verses here? On the one hand, it's pretty straightforward. If you want to get along well in this vain world while your short life lasts, don't do it alone. But as always, there are a few layers below the surface. We'll consider two.

A Call for Humility

First, let's consider how this advice about two being better than one is quite a profound call for humility. It's telling us that we need others. We can't do life well on our own. Our culture so idolizes the go-it-alone, do-it-myself hero, but Qoheleth is telling us that in all of his seeking out what life is like under the sun, that's not how things work.

You're not up for the challenges of life under the sun on your own. You need companions. You need humility to realize this.

And you need humility to practice this. Because even when we know that we need others, it can often feel easier to do things on our own.

It's easier to go at our own speed. It's easier to do things our way. Working alongside others often requires that we lay down our preferences and our desires in order to make it work. So it takes humility all along the way. But according to Qoheleth, it's so worth it.

The Life of Faith

Secondly, I think we're on pretty firm ground to understand that the themes of weakness, warmth, and war apply to more than just working out in the field. The principles here apply to all of life, not least to our spiritual life.

When we are weak spiritually, when we are slipping and falling, our brothers and sisters can help us up. “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1).

When we are growing cold in our faith, our brothers and sisters can encourage and warm our hearts. “But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13). “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24–25).

When we are up against our spiritual enemy, knowing that we do not stand alone is crucial to not giving in. “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world” (1 Peter 5:8b–9).

The practical and the spiritual come together when we look at the New Testament and see how Jesus sent out his disciples two at a time, Paul worked with a team, and Christians have always, like we've just read, met together to encourage one another.

Two are better than one, and if you're here this morning, you're surrounded by people with whom you can walk life with. May God give us the humility to recognize that we can't do any part of our life well on our own, and then to act on these truths by actually putting them into practice.

In terms of really practical ways of living this out together, let me give a plug here for small groups where we can more deeply put these things into practice than we often have space for on a Sunday morning. In particular, men, please consider how this might apply to the men’s groups that we are almost ready to launch.

Brothers, if two are better than one, who wouldn't say no to having three or four other brothers that you connect with once a week so that you can help each other up, keep each other's faith warm, and stand together against our spiritual enemy?

So, two are better than one.

B. Marriage (9:9)

The second major relationship we look at this morning is marriage. We've just seen that "two are better than one" is not mainly about marriage, although it certainly can apply to marriage. In chapter 9 verse 9, we do get a single verse that definitely is about marriage.

“Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9).

The context of this passage is important. Earlier on in chapter 9, Qoheleth is reflecting on the fact that everybody dies, no matter who we are or what we do. None of us are getting out of here alive.

And so the best we can do is make the most of our short, vapour-y lives while we can. Because life is vain, the best we have is what he tells us in verse 7: “Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do. Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head” (Ecclesiastes 9:7–8).

In other words, enjoy life, because this is all you've got. And then he goes on to say to "enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun." In verse 10 he says to work at whatever you find to do, because you won't get to do that in the grave.

So the whole context here is making the most of your short life while you can. Which we can see all throughout verse 9. He talks about the days of our vain life, reminding us that our days here are mere breath, gone before we know it. In the original Hebrew, the idea of our life being mere breath is actually repeated twice, something that is preserved better in the NIV: "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days" (Ec 9:9, NIV).

And then he goes on to talk about our toil at which we toil under the sun, typical language for Qoheleth about our short and painful life.

But, while we live, we might as well enjoy life. This is our lot in life. That's the meaning of "portion" there in verse 9. Whatever enjoyment we have is our lot in life—it's all we've got.

So with that context in mind, let's think about what verse 9 has to tell us about marriage. There are three truths we can learn about what marriage is or should be here in verse 9, and then two more from a further passage we'll turn to.

1. Loving

First, marriage should be loving. A husband is to love his wife. That might not seem startling to you, but at least some of us have heard this idea that, in the ancient world, marriage was just a business transaction, a wife was just property, and everybody's wedding song was "What's Love Got to Do With It." And that's just not true. We've got the Song of Solomon in the Bible, all about marital delights. We've got Ezekiel's wife being referred to as "the delight of [his] eyes" (Ezek 24:16). And we've got this encouragement to enjoy life with the wife whom you love.

Husbands, love your wives. Love them well. Christian wives should be the best-loved wives in the world.

Husbands, have you ever asked your wife, "What is it that makes you feel loved? How can you tell that I love you? Can I do better at communicating my love for you?" Ask her those questions, and then shut up and listen.

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love.

2. Companionable

Second, marriage should be companionable. That's the word I'm using to describe the idea here in verse 9 that Qoheleth is not telling his readers to enjoy their wives whom they love. Not that that's a bad idea.

But the idea in this verse is to enjoy life with your wife, which brings up this idea of companions experiencing and enjoying life alongside one another.

That enjoyment is your lot in life, as verse 9 says. The wife is not your lot in life. She's not your reward, as the NLT incorrectly translates. That's not at all what this verse is saying. It's saying that enjoyment of life with your wife is your lot in life.

This is important because it shows that marriage in and of itself is not the ultimate goal, even in Qoheleth's scheme of things. So many young people think of getting married as the greatest thing in life. So many parents have their child's marriage to a good spouse as their biggest priority. Many young people get into relationships and find themselves making their boyfriend or girlfriend their focal point in life.

And that's not the way it works. As we talked about in the marriage workshops last year, marriage was never designed to be an end unto itself. When we make marriage itself the goal, it will disappoint us, which is why I've met so many young, married, and disillusioned Christians who don't have a wedding to look forward to anymore and have their whole lives to live with someone who is not an endless source of satisfaction.

The happiest marriages I know are not marriages where the husband and wife spend their lives staring into each other's eyes.

They know that the other person isn't the main adventure—life is the adventure, and they get to go on that adventure together. They know how to laugh together and work together and enjoy food together, and their marriage is all the more joyful because of it.

Those of you who are married, I hope you love life with the wife or husband whom you love. I hope they are your companion in the enjoyment of life. Be careful of cultivating too many enjoyments that you experience without them.

Some of that is inevitable. My wife will never enjoy hunting like I do, and having some things that you enjoy without each other may even be healthy to a certain extent. But you can also learn to enjoy the things that your spouse enjoys. I've learned to care about things that matter to Aimee because she enjoys those things, and I love her, and so I want to be able to enjoy that part of life with her.

To those of you who are not married but hope to be: when you are looking for a spouse, don't seek someone who is obsessed with you, or someone with whom you can obsess, like some angsty teen vampire romance. That's not the way that a long-term healthy relationship will flourish.

Look for a partner with whom you can do life. Someone that you have some shared interests with. Someone you can work with and have fun with and be bored with and do difficult things with. Someone that you can walk with with joy as you go through the short days of your life together.

3. Temporary

And that brings us to the third aspect here, which is that marriage is temporary. That's all over this verse, right? Marriage is not forever. From Qoheleth's perspective, you're going to die, and there's no enjoyment where you're going, so enjoy life with your wife while you can because that's all you got. But it's not going to last.

It's not happily ever after. It's happily-mere-breath-then-you-die. And that's right there in every marriage vow: "Till death do us part." When you're young and in love, the idea of death parting you feels like a million miles away. But it's not. Death will part you a lot sooner than you expect.

And now that Jesus has died and risen again and given us the hope of eternal life, this same basic truth hasn't changed. Marriage is temporary.

Some Sadducees once asked Jesus about a woman who had been married to seven men, and they asked whose wife she would be in the resurrection. “But Jesus answered them, ‘You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven’” (Matthew 22:29–30).

Marriage is not forever. This can make some married couples really sad, until we remember that marriage was always just a temporary picture of an eternal reality.

Marriage is, according to Ephesians 5, about Christ and the church. So in the resurrection, marriage is not taken away as much as replaced with the real thing towards which it always pointed. Shadow gives way to substance.

This is why, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul can encourage people to consider not getting married, given how short life is and how soon eternity is coming. It's not that it's wrong to get married. We need healthy, thriving, joyful marriages to bear witness to the eternal joys awaiting the church in the presence of her Saviour.

And we also need healthy, thriving, joyful singles, like the Apostle Paul or our dear friend Eunice Erickson who passed away this month, who spent their lives for Jesus and in their own way bore witness to the fact that marriage is only a picture, and our life is mere breath, and the real thing is coming a lot sooner than we think.

So, if you are married, let your marriages be loving and companionable, because you can't change the fact that they are temporary.

4. Protected (7:26)

Fourth, let your marriages be protected. For this aspect of marriage, we're actually drawing from an earlier passage, from 7:26.

In this passage, Qoheleth has been telling us how he turned his “heart to know and to search out and to seek wisdom and the scheme of things, and to know the wickedness of folly and the foolishness that is madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

And here's one of the things that he found, or came to understand. Verse 26: “And I find something more bitter than death: the woman whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are fetters. He who pleases God escapes her, but the sinner is taken by her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26).

In language that is very similar to the book of Proverbs, Qoheleth is describing an adulteress. A woman who tries to seduce a man with her words and her looks, but whose appearance hides deadly trouble. Proverbs describes a man falling under her sway like an animal stumbling into a trap (Prov 7:22-23), and that language of snares and nets and chains is all over verse 26.

Some people struggle with this language because they think it places too much blame at the feet of women for adultery and unfaithfulness. As if it's always the women's fault, or even that the Bible is reinforcing an ancient view that women are all inherently dangerous and need to be avoided.

And that's just nonsense. The Bible has all kinds of awful stories, like David and Bathsheba or Amnon and Tamar, of men who were the primary perpetrators in their sinful liaisons. Nor does verse 26 say that all women are like this.

In fact, verse 26 only describes a particular kind of woman whose heart is snares and nets. He's not painting all women with the same brush.

And by describing this woman as the predator that she is, he's actually giving her a fair bit of agency. He's not sugar-coating the fact that there are bad women in this world who want to lead men into temptation, even at the expense of their marriages. And if you're not sure if there are still women like this around, just turn on top 40 radio. Actually, maybe don't. But you get the point.

"He who pleases God escapes her, but the sinner is taken by her." Qoheleth is describing such an important truth here: that when unfaithfulness happens in a marriage, it doesn't come out of nowhere. Just like with David and Bathsheba, the decision to break your marriage vows started way earlier with all kinds of other sins that snowballed out of control.

But the one who pleases God escapes from this fate because every day they are walking in God's presence and making righteous decisions and are avoiding the slow fade that leads to being taken by this kind of sin.

So, married brothers and sisters, protect your marriages. Protect your marriages by fearing the Lord, like Proverbs would remind us, and turning aside from evil (Pr 3:7). Hear Joseph's words echoing in your ears: "How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?" (Gen 39:9).

Hear the warning of Hebrews 13: “Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4).

Seek to please the Lord, and let your marriage be protected.

5. Confusing (7:27-29)

Finally, let's acknowledge that marriage can be confusing. And not just marriage—all of our relationships can be confusing, because of what Qoheleth tells us in the second half of verse 28: "One man among a thousand I found, but a woman among all these I have not found."

This is a confusing verse that people have all kinds of ideas about. People wonder what kind of man or woman Qoheleth was looking for. Some Bible translations try to simplify things for us by suggesting he was looking for an upright man or a virtuous woman, and the idea seems to be that he thinks women are more sinful than men.

But that's not what the original Hebrew text says. The Hebrew says basically what the ESV says: one man among a thousand I found, but a woman among these I have not found.

The explanation that makes the most sense to me is to look at the meaning of the word "found." From verse 24 to 29, this one word shows up 9 times. And it has some variations in its meaning. But more than once, the word has the meaning of "figure out" or "come to understand."

We see that in verse 24: "Who can find it out?" Or verse 27: "to find the scheme of things." Or the beginning of verse 28: "but I have not found." In these verses, the word "find" has the sense of figuring out what's going on.

So, if we take that meaning, then what he's saying in verse 28 is that he can figure out or understand about one man in a thousand, but not one woman.

In other words, people are really hard to understand. I can barely understand men, and women are beyond my comprehension.

And if we're on the right track, then we can see that all relationships will be confusing. Not just marriage. Yes, husbands and wives will struggle to understand each other because God wired up men and women so differently from one another.

Men know that men don't always make sense to each other. My wife tells me how often she struggles to understand what's going on in the minds of other women.

People are confusing, and much of that is because of sin, like verse 29 tells us. God made us upright, but we've chased after all kinds of other schemes.

And in our broken state, we often don't understand each other very well. And in fact, our relationships so often fall apart precisely because we think we've got someone figured out, and we judge them, and we're wrong, and it all breaks down from there.

Perhaps that's why, in the New Testament, we need to be told over and over to be patient and loving and kind with one another.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12–14).

We need so much grace because, in our sin, we're hard to understand. We're hard to figure out.

But friends, we can show love and forgiveness with one another because the Lord has shown so much to us.

I know, in a room of this size, that there are people here who probably feel like they've been hurt and misunderstood by other people in this room. Sin makes us want to retreat into ourselves and forget that two is better than one. But in a moment here we're going to hold up the bread and the cup and declare our unity in Jesus.

Brothers and sisters, our shared union with Jesus means that we have infinitely more holding us together than the vain differences that want to drive us apart. And we have all of the resources we need to apply the gospel to our relationships as we eagerly share the blood-bought grace of Jesus with one another.

Remember that this morning. And remember that a day is coming soon when the Lord spreads before us the great marriage supper of the lamb, and Jesus Christ, in the flesh, takes up the cup and drinks it anew in His Father's kingdom like He promised, with us, His purified bride, at His side forever.

Every week is a rehearsal for that great wedding. And as we look around the room and proclaim the good news to each other, remember that these are some of the people you're going to live forever with. Let's get a head start today on loving each other like we really believe that's true.